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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Loneliness

The main issue I think I have faced as a single mom is the loneliness. I am a full time mom. Normally when parents divorce the child spends every other weekend with the other parent but that has never been the case in my situation. I have my daughter 24/7 and that makes it super hard to have any form of relationship or adult interaction. I do not believe in bringing people in and out of my daughter's life so I am lucky to have a evening to myself once a month. Don't get me wrong I love being a mom, my daughter is my everything. Some times it just gets really lonely. I struggle with just wanting someone to talk to or someone to ask how my day was. I have been on dates in the past and everyone seems to have the best of intentions. They say they are understanding and respect my decision to not be the type of mother who drops her child off with anyone to do what she wants, but in the long run they are not understanding. I am sure there are many other women out there with the same problem and situation. I am just struggling with how to balance. My daughter's wants and needs will always come before my own, but do I have to wait til she is grown to actually have a relationship? I think this time of year makes it harder too. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year and all I have ever wanted was my own family to spend it with. If there are any other single mom's out there with the similar problem, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. It would just be nice to know I am not alone in this and that there are others going through the same things.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The Value of a Heart

Recently I have done a lot of thinking about what we value in this life and the things we take for granted as humans. This subject was brought to me by a couple of close experiences I have had in the past month.
First and most of all is my grandfather. He is 88 years old and over the past six months his health has been greatly deteriorating. He has been very sick and losing most of his ability to care for him self. I can only imagine what that must feel like. All his life my grandfather was the strong one, the caregiver, the one who looked after and took care of everyone in our family. Now he has to rely on others to care for him, even provide his basic needs. It breaks my heart to see him so vulnerable and weak. To see in his eyes the pride that has been stripped away from him with age. Unfortunately we as humans take those basic things for granted. Also the main human instincts kick in and greed and control take us over. What really boggles my mind is how, because my grandfather is a wealthy man, the first thing people think is what is he leaving to me. Really? Are we that cold and calculated. I can't get over this. He is still alive, he still has a wealth of experience and knowledge and love. I owe my grandfather so much. He loved me my whole life, taught me, helped me, cared for me. I don't care about his worldly possessions, I have been given the most valuable gift, Love. No one can take away my memories, my vision of him. I want nothing but for him to know how much I love and value his life and what a impact he has had on mine. That my friends is priceless. This leads me to my subject, what is the value of a heart?
Can we put a price on the organ that keeps us alive, that gives us hope and happiness, faith and love. Do we put a price on a life or soul. Who are we to do so? It is so sad to me that in this life, which is short and not guaranteed we value innate objects over each other. Can you put a price on a memory? I can't I hope that the rest of my life is filled with memories and love for my fellow man. I would rather be poor and loved then rich and cold hearted.
So during this season of good will toward men, open your heart. Don't focus on the present or presents. Focus on loving one another, no fear, no thought, just love. Be open to what is given to you everyday, take it all in. Know the value of your own heart.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Complications of Human Nature

I have now been single for a while. The more experiences I have in dating as an adult the more I begin to examine the many different sides of human nature and different aspects of people in general. I believe that I am a relatively normal person, I want what we all want at some point in our lives, true love. For something that holds so much value in this world, it is so hard to attain and maintain. I do believe I have loved in my life, but maybe not been loved the same in return.
When I was a kid, it was so easy. You like me I like you,
"lets go out". Seems so silly and funny now, but it was that simple. Now people have to add in all kinds of other factors that complicate that general attraction to another person. We all have baggage from the past at this point in my life, or issues that people try to fill the void with another person to correct the internal battles that they are too scared to face. I have also experienced people who are desperate, so desperate for that feeling of love they over do it and scare others away. Also there are those who put on a good face at first to hide their true selves, or play games with other people due to their past and being hurt or run over by love in the past. I could easily be one of those people, been hurt by pretty much everyone I ever trusted with my heart. So why risk it again? Why take the chance of being betrayed or heart broken every again? This is my internal struggle. I am absolutely OK with my life and where I am going, but that doesn't mean that I don't desire intimacy with another human being.
I am really taking a look at how we date in this century and why we want to make something that should be so easy, so complicated and hard.
First expectations play a large role in the problem with dating today. We as humans tend to repeat history. In turn for example, if you expected someone to give you more or the same attention you received in a previous relationship, you are in turn dooming the new relationship. We are all different, no two people are exactly alike. So why is it OK to hold someone else's traits or bad habits to someone new? Its not OK, but I think as humans we do it out of habit, without even realizing it until its too late, or its caused a problem in the new relationship. I know I have done this myself. I held every other guy to a new relationship and in turn sabotaged myself and hurt a good guy. I have come to realize that there should be no expectations. If there is a connection between two people, let it be what it is. Let nature takes it course, don't force feelings or emotions, don't try to make someone into your ideal match accept them for who they are. If we as women could just do that with a mutual understanding with the opposite sex, then we would truly be happy and be able to have a lasting relationship.
Second I think we have been conditioned. Some of the reason we are doomed as a society at relationships is due to the examples given since we were very young. As a little girl we idolize princesses like Cinderella, Snow white, Sleeping Beauty, etc. So what do we expect Prince Charming to come riding in on his horse to save the day. That is not reality. Even if you think that is what you have, it fades, it doesn't last. People change and the honeymoon phase fades into bills, kids, stress, money, normal everyday life. I would rather have something that lasts, conversation, time, memories than fleeting feelings of love, or bliss. A enduring love, that is not always easy, you have to fight to keep it alive, and truly have unconditional love.
That is where we go wrong, we make love conditional. Will love you as long as you treat me good, as long as I am taken care, as long as you do what I want when I want, as long as it is easy. Once love gets hard people give up so easily. I for one believe that kind of love is worth fighting for and hopefully I will have that one day.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Rediscovering Myself

Recently I have realized that over the last 30 years, the situations, experiences, and trauma of life began to change who I was. At some points I didn't even recognize the reflection in the mirror. Everyone plays so many different roles in life. I am a Daughter, Mother, Sister, Friend, Wife(at one time), Co-worker, Granddaughter and the list goes on. Depending on the time in our lives depends on which role is the most prevalent role. Most of the time I tried to form myself to whoever I was trying to please at the time, which is something most of us do at some point or another. It just seemed the more I did that the more I lost sight of my true self.
Then I began to examine what makes me me. What traits and interests, make up Amber. I had to dig pretty deep for that, a lot of what some call soul searching. First two things that came to me are that I am a writer at heart, and I believe I was put on this earth to help others in someway. My problem is that I try to save the world and I know that is pretty much impossible. I am also stubborn, I like to get my way and I like to be right. I think I have always been that way since I was a child even. Now being a mom I have learned that can be a bad trait because my daughter is that way too. As a young woman I was very self centered, not patient at all. Then once I became a mom at the age of 24 that all changed.
So in conclusion what makes up Amber: 1) Loyal (never cheated, never betrayed a friendship) 2) Compassionate ( Care for others more than myself) 3) Vain ( have to admit I have always been vain, like to make sure I am putting on my best face) 4) Dreamer ( love to write, do art, sing, express myself in alternate ways) 5) Strong ( Take care of business, never liked to depend on anyone else) 6) Hard working ( always go for the goal and put in 110%) 7) Feisty ( Been told that I am feisty, I guess that means I can be a little animated when I believe in something) Also the Italian side of me I can have a temper. 8) Clumsy ( I tend to trip, fall, slip a lot, I like to try to do things that people say I can't which sometimes can get me injured.lol) 9.) Silly ( I like to be silly and just have fun, even though not many people have seen that side of me because I have to fully trust to feel free enough to be that person.) 10.) Faith ( I have blind faith, no matter what I know  that the love of god has been there for me and helped me through so many hard times in my life).
Don't get me wrong, I have bad traits too, I am not perfect by any means. I just am glad I know what makes me Amber. Finally I am free to be myself, not worry about what others say or think. Not allow anyone to determine my value other than me and god. Took me a long time to figure this out, but I hope I can teach that to my daughter. Show her how to be strong and independent. Show her what unconditional love is, because that is what she has shown me.
Now at this point in my life, it's finally time to be me, love myself, do things I enjoy, share those things with my daughter and anyone else who wants to be a part of our lives.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Simple Pleasures

This weekend my daughter moved out of her toddler bed into a full size bed ( big girl bed). It is so amazing to me to see how the small things in life for a child are enormous. The older we get the more it takes to make us truly happy. I love how being a mother allows me to see the world through my daughter's eyes. The eyes of innocence, love, adventure, amazement at all the new experiences she has. I get to relive being young again. When she does something or sees something for the first time,she is so excited and happy and just full of joy. It is a contagious feeling. She brightens every minute of my life. Sometimes I just sit back and think how lucky I am to have her in my life. How lucky I am to be a mother. Adults get so caught up in their jobs, money, stresses, drama, and silly things we sometimes forget how to be a kid and be silly and breath in the true moments of life. Through my daughter I am taken  away to a dreamlike state where I recall my childhood, a sound, a place, a smell takes me back in time. We all expect others to make us happy or money or material things to fill up our lives. Why? I don't understand it. Its the non material things in this world that make us the happiest. Love, Faith, Joy, Laughter the most valuable things we have, but we take them for granted. The best times in my life cost nothing, the birth of my daughter, picking fruit from my grandfathers garden when I was a child, a walk around the block with my grandmother the most precious memories are priceless. If we could just focus on those things and let go of the day to day burden that society enforces on us, then we would truly know the happiness of a child. We would love more, laugh harder, and live longer by being ourselves and truly free.

Monday, May 21, 2012

LOVE?


Is it too much to ask for a warm embrace?
The liberating touch of love, a smile on your face.
I long for that unbridled infatuation,
Someone who can't take their gaze away from mine
A kindred soul, a undecidable connection
Someone to read me poetry, sing me a lullaby
Does that form of love even exist?
Fate inspired, immediate spark
That can't be extinguished even with a wave of strife
Selfless, unleashed, unbreakable love
The type that moves mountains, that stops the heart
Making those souls unable to be apart
In this world today is it so hard to believe
It once existed, no games, no drama
A simple exchange of a smile, or glance
That moves the sun and moon, and never looks back
Once it was so simple, so easy to do
Now seems so complicated, so hard
Too many choices, temptations, sins
Never loyal, always with wondering eyes
Why? What happened to true love?
Has it been taken away by the lust, and perversion of this society
Find me a old soul, one who lets all inhibition go
Worship and cherish my soul, and I will do the same
Believe in Fate, love, the unseen
All material worldly goods mean nothing,
When that is found, there I will be
A dreamer, a lover, a fighter 
That is me.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

What would you say?

Life can be so strange. In the past week one of my absolute favorite teachers from High School passed away from cancer. She was a inspiration to all that she knew or came in contact with. I loved her dearly, she was more than a teacher she was a friend, someone we all felt comfortable talking to or asking advice from. I attended her funeral and in the process this thought came into  my head, what would people have to say about me if I died today? That is a life changing question. Most the time at funerals everyone recalls all the best attributes about that person and how much they will miss them, but why do we as humans wait until they are gone to tell them what they mean to us?
It seems so easy to gossip, or same something ugly about someone instead of focusing on their good attributes. I have made it my goal to do that more often. To tell those around me that I love and appreciate them. To try to not say something ugly even in a fit of anger or emotion. Like my grandmother always said, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
I hope when I die, whenever that may be, that those who attend my funeral can say that about me. That I was the type of person who looked for the good in everyone I came in contact with. Its hard not to complain or fuss. I myself am a very emotional person so a lot of times I react instead of think first.
We should all strive to see the best in each other and try to magnify that instead of constantly bringing up the unfavorable attributes of someone. Trust me I know that is easier said than done.
As a mother, I want my daughter to be cautious of people in the world, but also to abide by the golden rule. Treat others as you want to be treated. It can be the most challenging part of life, to love your enemy, to be kind to those who hurt you or lied to you. In the end you are the better person, you have a clear conscience and you will be able to sleep at night knowing you tried to be a good person.